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Drowning in a Pool of Shadows

Ecstasy is a very difficult drug to write about. Most "E" experiences consist of you and some friends sitting around an apartment or house listening to some form of upbeat dance music. Throw in some vicks, plenty of cigarettes, a nice massage, bottled water and a lot of weed and you've got yourself a party.

The thing that always amazed me about ecstasy are the genuine, heart to heart conversations you would have with anyone and everyone around you. You could be sitting in a room with someone you don't care for at all but for that short amount of time on this drug that person would become one of your closest friends. That's a very scary thought considering the next day when everyone is sitting around taking hits from a bong, trying to bring back what little "E" you possibly could, you would like nothing more than for those people you didn't care for to get the hell out of your apartment or house as fast as humanly possible.

Rather than talk about all the fun times I had with this drug I would like to discuss one very bad experience I had. Maybe reading this with persuade some people to never take this drug again. At this point in my life having taken all the ecstasy that I have I honestly think that taking one more pill might kill me.

This story I'm about to tell took place years ago at a Rave in a sound studio in Santa Monica, CA. My friend Jeff was in town visiting me from Florida. We hadn't discussed the possibility of doing ecstasy while he was here. The drug just kind of took me over because of my need and lack of will power at the time.

Jeff and I were just hanging out at my old apartment one day, getting stoned, when there was a knock at my door. My old friend Kevin had dropped by unexpectedly. (On a side note, Kevin died later that year in an automobile accident) Kevin wanted to know if we'd be interested in going to a jungle party later that night. At first the idea didn't really sound appealing to me or Jeff. We just wanted to chill, smoke and drink. But, the more Kevin told us about this party the more I became interested. The lineup of DJ's was incredible. Names like Deacon, R.A.W, Curious and AK1200 were confirmed to be there. Plus, the more I thought about how close the party was to us the more I convinced myself and Jeff that we should go.

As the hours drew near my need for "E" began to take over. Without even consulting Jeff or Kevin I called one of my dealers at the time. He told me to meet him at his house as soon as I could get there. I told Jeff and Kevin that I was going to the store real quick to pick up a few things. "Make yourselves at home, I'll be right back."

When I got to my dealers we went in his room and sparked up a joint. I told him where we were going and that I would be needing some "E" for the evening. He said the pills he was carrying were called "MJ's" and that he didn't know anything about them cause they were brand new. It didn't really matter to me. He had never let me down before. The pills were always great. So, without questioning the new pills, I bought eight off him.

When I showed back up at the apartment empty handed from "the store" I figured one of them would say something about it. To my surprise neither of them asked me a thing about where I had been. I swear, you can get anything by stoners.

We took my old Mustang to the rave and I drove because I was always known as the one that could and would drive under any circumstance. If only we had known what was in store for us that evening no one would have driven. We would have stayed home and smoked pot all night in peace. Who had to screw it up for everyone? Naturally, it would be me. Man, was I ever a weak son of a bitch when it came to "E." As soon as the thought of rolling entered my mind I had to get it. I didn't care what anyone else thought about it. I was going to do it with or without you. Being alone on ecstasy was never a problem for me. Those are stories for a later date.

It only took about fifteen minutes to get to the rave from my house. The location had a lot of potential for a massive party. These sound studios could easily fit five hundred people comfortably. The price to get in was only $15 which is a lot cheaper than most parties.

To our surprise, once we got in, there was no more than fifty people there. You could literally hear crickets chirping as a pin dropped to the floor. I was very disappointed. We each expected a massive showing and got a massive nothing. The only positive things going for us at this point was the lineup of DJ's we were going to hear and the ecstasy I had in the lining of my old Adidas visor. Keep in mind, neither of my friends knew I had pills on me at this point.

We found a comfortable spot and began to get lost in the music. After a little time, Kevin said, "I wonder if I'll be able to score any ecstasy here tonight?" Jeff then followed with, "yeah, I would do some tonight too if we found it." I began laughing at that moment. They sat there staring like I was a dragon with six heads. After they asked what the hell I was laughing at I told them they didn't need to go and look for pills at the party. I then pulled off my visor and handed them each a pill. Jeff yelled, "I KNEW IT!! I knew you were up to something earlier when you said you were going to the store." Kevin never suspected anything. He was just happy that I had "E".

We then made our way to the concession stand to buy some water and get our evening going full throttle. The pills tasted abnormally disgusting once they hit your tongue. Usually "E" is gross and bitter anyway but these were extra horrible. Maybe a first indication that something was fucked with these pills? No, don't think so. My mentality told me, "hey, these taste worse than any other ecstasy ever. Maybe they're even stronger than most."

After about an hour of waiting for the pills to kick in we still felt nothing. All three of us were growing very impatient. We wanted to be rolling at that very moment. I looked at my friends, took off my visor, and handed them each another pill to take. The count was now at two a piece.

Another twenty minutes passed and now both pills were coming on strong. All worries and bad thoughts were gone. They had been replaced with feelings of bliss and harmony mixed in with nonstop bass beats. Time no longer mattered. We were living in the moment and loving every second of it. Happy thoughts and conversation began taking place. Everything was perfect until I decided to do something very stupid. I tugged on Jeff and gave him a nod as to say, follow me. We got up and went outside leaving Kevin inside alone. I handed Jeff another pill and gave him a smile. He was very reluctant to take it. He said, "I don't know, man. I think I'm fucked up enough right now." I, of course, followed with, "dude, it's only three pills.....we've done way more than that before." After convincing him that I was right, we took another pill each and went back.

The next hour is somewhat of a blur. I remember sitting in the studio and feeling completely alone. For all I knew Jeff and Kevin could've been trying to communicate with me the entire time but I was oblivious to everything going on. I felt and heard the music but that's about the only thing I could recognize. I guess it was about this time that I threw up for the first time. The first place I remember getting sick was in the studio itself. After was done throwing up I immediately staggered outside to get some fresh air. This was the first time I noticed how badly I was hallucinating. I had never seen things this way. I was unable to comprehend what was going on. It was very hard to explain what I was seeing so I'll explain it through my friend Jeff's eyes. In as bad of shape as I was in, Jeff was in much worse. After I excused myself to the restroom to throw up again I came back to find Jeff and Kevin leaning up against a wall outside of the studio. Kevin asked me how I was handling everything. I said I was in pretty bad shape. Jeff, however, was pre-occupied having a conversation with a beautiful blond., as he put it. The funny thing is that neither Kevin or I saw anyone there with him. Jeff was having a conversation with a beautiful, blond figment of his imagination. This kind of freaked Kevin and I out because we couldn't get threw to Jeff that no one was there with him. So, we just ended up leaving him alone.

Some more time went by and I still had no clue what was going on around me. I started feeling worse and worse. I told Kevin that I wanted to get the hell out of there. Kevin's house was closer to where we were than mine so we decided to go there. It took a little while to pull Jeff away from figment but we managed.

When we got to my car I told Kevin that he needed to drive. This coming from a guy who was known for driving under any circumstance. This time, however, I knew I was in way over my head. Me driving us would have been suicide.

I only remember a few things about the drive back to Kevin's house. I remember Jeff babbling on about how he could've brought that girl back home with us. And, I also remember trying to roll the window down because I felt like I was going to throw up........not being able to hold it in long enough.......then throwing up half in and out of the car. I'm assuming I went into some sort of blackout after that because my next memory is waking up in Kevin's room.

After I realized where I was I went into the garage where I knew they would be. I went into the garage to find both of them sitting in a pair of lawn chairs. Kevin looked and seemed fine but Jeff was still in never-never land. I felt a heck of a lot better but was in no way close to normal yet. I could still feel the ecstasy and my vision was still messed up.

Kevin pulled me aside and told me some disturbing things that Jeff had been doing. He said Jeff kept asking him who the old lady standing in the bathroom window was. The thing about that is we were the only ones at Kevin's house. His parents weren't there. Whatever those pills did to me was nothing like the effect they had on Jeff.

It was around 7:30am now and the three of us were just sitting around smoking pot and listening to music. My friend Schuyler only lived a few miles away from Kevins house so I thought we should switch locations and go over there.

We showed up at Schulyers guard gate buzzing to get in around 8:00am. The thought that Schulyer would be sound asleep at 8:00am on a Sunday morning never entered my head. The three of us were all to fucked up to think of such things. Rational thought was non-existent.

Schulyer answered the door with sleep in one eye and confusion in the other. After I received an ear full for coming there so early on his day off I began to tell him what had happened to us the night before. Schuyler had done "E" a couple of times before but had never gone through what we went through on this trip. This made it very hard for him to sympathize with us.

When Schuyler finally had his wits about him he took the three of us into his room to smoke more pot. After passing the bong around several times, Schuyler and I began discussing the happenings of the previous night once again. He couldn't believe what happened to Jeff and I. He was laughing at how I was describing mine and Jeffs hallucinations. Right in the middle of our conversation we heard a loud crash in his room. Jeff had fallen over backwards, fainting into Schuylers DirectTV satellite dish. He then struggled to get up and once again fell backwards into Schulyers wall, tearing down a "Scarface" poster. This all happened so fast none of us had time to react. After Jeff hit the poster Kevin hopped up and grabbed Jeff and put him safely on the bed out of harms way. None of us knew what to say. After a moment of silence Jeff turned to us and said, "what just happened?" Before Kevin or I could answer Schuyler jumped in and said, "you just broke my fucking satellite dish, that's what happened." Even though Jeffs eyes were open the entire time he was crashing into shit all over Schuylers room I believe Jeff wasn't aware of anything that happened. The look in his eyes wasn't that of an aware person. It was the look of lost confusion. He had no control over anything. He was blacked out.

I asked Jeff if he was alright. Instead of answering me he sat there shaking uncontrollably. I decided to leave him alone after that. No point in pushing the envelope any further. The previous night had obviously taken it's toll on him.

After smoking pot for another fifteen minutes or so I felt sober enough to drive my own car home. Yes, I just said I felt sober after smoking more pot. Don't ask me how my body used to work. I don't really know how to explain it. All I can say is sometimes while on drugs you need other drugs to even things out. To balance the equation.

After we said our much needed and wanted goodbyes to Schuyler we were off to go back to my house. Even while driving back I noticed that Jeffs hands were still shaking very badly. It wasn't easy making conversation with him. The only thing he kept saying was, "what happened at Schuylers?" We would tell him and he'd freak out even more because he couldn't remember any of it.

When we finally made it back to my place all three of us were mentally and physically exhausted. The only comforting thought we had was knowing we were back in our safe zone. My apartment had never looked or felt so good before.

We spent the rest of the day and night watching TV and discussing the night before. Jeff, although still shaken, was starting to come around at this point. The whole experience scared the shit out of him. He never did ecstasy again.

I've always enjoyed writing but until recently never realized I was good at it. A lot of my friends are trying to get me to pursue a career in writing. I guess this is a good start.

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